Wood (Part 1)
I safely arrived in the forest after five hours of drive from my apartment. I told my friend that I am taking a week off from work because I needed some change of air. I needed to distance myself from my busy life for a bit so that I can be just by myself.
It is morning here in the forest. The song of the birds around the tent coupled with the sound of river nearby gives me comfort that I could not have experienced if I had stayed in my apartment. The smell of the woods, grass, and river are all there to heal me. I felt finally being connected to the nature like a phone that needs battery charge— I am truly relieved. When I walk outside this morning along the river, the nature filled my lung, and I breathed the air as if it is my first time breathing. I inhaled and exhaled interchangeably — sometimes I held the air in my lung to let my body taste this sweet and delicious air of the nature.
As I walk along the river, which is right next to the tent I set up, I reflected how meaningful was my time being here and felt quite sad about the fact that I am leaving here tomorrow to get back to reality. But let me say this: if I hadn’t come here and experienced what I had experienced, I cannot imagine what would have happened to me. To tell you the truth, I had no choice but to come here to this forest so as to distance myself from the reality. Let me explain.
I have had this job for over two years now. I am working at this bank as a banker in the Urban area of my hometown. I am no unusual guy, but I just like working ever since I knew, so even though this work of mine is quite hard, I am enjoying it. In college, I majored quantitative finance and I never questioned why I liked studying it — I just happened to like numbers, and when I realized, it was the most natural thing for me to make a career doing things analytically like using mathematics. So, that is my life. I am an ordinary person having a career in front of me, trying to get my future started!
But those are my bright side of me that I tell to people in parties. And that also is a story that I tell myself too; I tell myself that I am normal and I am doing perfectly fine, when in reality I am not at all okay. The dark side of me — perhaps I should say the part I do not want to recognize in me and if possible eradicate all together — is quite hidden because I myself even do not want to look at it. But I must admit such fact as a truth and embrace it, I am perfectly aware. So here is the truth: I am sick. But not sick in a way that you need to see the doctor to cure it. Mine is different. I am sick mentally. I am broken completely inside, and I am aware of that. Ever since my family was killed after that violent crime, I have developed this sickness inside me. At first, I did not realize it exists in me, but during those nights where it is too hard to get myself to sleep, it starts to happen.
The darkness first shuts my vision, then the world before me turns into a different world which does not have shape and forms whatsoever. Then, as the world before me changing, a high tone noise makes an alarmingly huge sound in my ears — I almost lose my consciousness but then I try to resist, then what happens is my brain would be violently shaken, at least that’s how I feel it, and this knocks me off unconscious. When I wake up, however, I am always at my house I used to live when I was a child. Outside is in heavy rain. Darkness is filling the space. And I am sleeping in my bed, hearing something downstairs. I suspect that all my family members are there, but looking at the clock which tells me 2:45am, I negate such possibility. Then the moment later, I hear the first scream — that of my mom, to which I react with terror. Then something prompts me to go downstairs to check what is going on, but my leg is frozen like ice — I cannot move. Then, while struggling, I hear second scream — that of my dad, after which I finally free my legs and hide underneath my bed. Then I hear my sister’s, but this time I also hear the sound of something being cut and be dropped on the floor. I am at this moment terrified. Hearing the footsteps becoming loud as it approaches to my room little by little, I become completely paralyzed. Then the moment later, the footstep stops in front of my door, which my mom kept it open before I went to sleep. During this moment, I hold my breath and maintain silence as if I am dead, although unbearably my body trembles with fear. Then, that is usually where my dream ends, and I am back to reality, soaked with sweat and trace of tears in my clothes and everywhere in my face.
This dream of mine kept on happening because this is what I had experienced during my childhood — my family was murdered one night by this person who is still running and living somewhere (thought of it terrifies me), and I was the only survivor. What happened to me I do not remember. All I remember is that I was alive laying in the bed of the hospital with no detectable harm done by him. The only injury — I am not sure if I can call as such — was this scar on my left arm which appears to be a small cut. And that was it. Apparently, this guy has done something to me but I do not know, for I have no memory of it. But above all this, what I want to tell is that I would often be brought back to this particular moment of terror quite regularly, especially when I am terrified of going to bed.
So I confessed my inner truth which I haven’t shared with anyone, which I have been hiding it even to myself. But truth is, I needed to tell this before I explain my vanishing into the forest.
The day before I went to the forest, I told my boss that I am seeing my family for a while and I told him I am coming back in a week. After I excused myself from the work, I went to the store to buy something I needed before going to the forest. And there, I did not expect this, but I ended up meeting my old friend from high school. It was after I was done with my shopping, so as I come out from the shop, I saw him about to go in. I did not recognize it was him at first, so it took me rather off guard when he suddenly called my name. As I heard my name being called, my thinking went, “How come this guy knows my name? Do I know him?” Then I looked him closer with my eyes squinted, to which he remained indifferent, maintaining his smile as if to say, “Hey you must know about me because we had such a close relationship back in high school!” Finally, it occured to me that the person I was looking at was Tom, who I indeed spent my high school as my only one best friend.
He was very happy to meet me and I did too. We talked about how our life has been and how we are doing now, but the entire time, my excitement I would have felt whenever I saw him and the joy of seeing him, I realized, were completely gone, and I felt I was talking like I am speaking to a random person I met on the street. He was very excited to see me and I was happy to see him, but for some reason, at that time, I did not even have energy to excite myself as I should. So, however excited he was, he also, detecting some obvious lack of energy in me, became little calm and more like “fake” — I could tell his smile was fake at that moment and he was forcing himself to look as if he is excited to talk to me. Then, after that, we talked nothing in particular. But I remember he suddenly asked me what it was I bought at this store, when I was just about to say bye to him.
“Looks like you bought quite a lot of stuff there,” he commented looking at my bag I was carrying.
“Yeah, some ropes and tapes I need for my house,” I lied.
“Cool! Fixin something?”
“Yeah, kinda like that..”
That was it. A conversation with no meaning. Then we exchanged our phone number and parted.
I packed my bag with all that I bought at the store and my tent. I did not bring extra clothes other than the one I was wearing because I knew that I am not going to stay there for long. Then, as I said, I left the apartment in my Honda without turning the music on and just listening to the engine of the car for five hours.
When I get there, what I did was I tried to look for a place where I am most surrounded by nature, like river, woods, and little bit of space for me to put a tent, for I wanted to be in the nature and immerse myself to it fully. But I have to confess that it took me like two hours to find the right spot, so when I found one, I felt finally at peace. Anyway, I was ready to do what I came here for, but my surroundings were turning dark and I couldn’t see things clearly in the absence of the light — which I did not bring since I thought I do not need one. So, I hurried myself to set up the tent first and decided to postpone my task until tomorrow — for I can do this anytime and it doesn’t necessarily have to be done right now.
Probably because I was tired, I was able to set myself to sleep quite easily this time without having to go through my scary dream again, which I was very afraid.
But I was wrong.
When I drifted into sleep, I found myself again in the same room, the room in which I grew up. I looked outside and found it was raining heavily. I felt I was scared and I wanted to kill myself before I go through this terror. However, this time around, I felt something different. I saw a boy in front of me, sleeping. A boy that looks very similar to me. Perhaps, I thought, it is me and I, wearing the same clothes I was wearing just a moment ago, was looking at him from distance. He is not aware of my existence because he was sleeping.
When I was confused with what was happening, I heard the front door being violently open ajar, to which the boy, or I shall say small me, woke up. He is looking at the clock and then shifted his gaze to outside, wondering what just happened. But it appears to me that he did not recognize my presence in the room. Then we heard another sound downstairs. Perhaps the sound that someone opened another door. Then we heard the scream.
When I woke up, I am not quite sure why, but I felt little better. The sound of the nearby river made a nice calming atmosphere that kept me sane. But most of all, I was astounded by the beauty of my surroundings that I failed to register last night: the trees thrusting up in the sky like a sword, small creatures that inhibit in the tree busying themselves with their daily tasks, wet rocks covered with moss, the dead leaves resting on the ground. I would not be surprised in a slightest bit if there is a monster that resides in the depth of this forest, wondering around, catching some fish in the nearby river.
Lighted by the beaming sunlight that found its way to the ground through the trees, the fog in the forest was creating a “path” like it was descending from heaven. As I follow my gaze to where the path is indicating, I found something move and I thought I was being watched by someone. This, however, did not scare me at all; rather, I was curious to know what it is, so I stood up and made my approach to the creature that I suspect to be hiding behind the tree.
